APRIL FOOL!!

皆さん、こんにちは！
私はえんぴつでわありません。チーズが大好きですよ。お名前は不ヂーニーハリーです。毎日お好み焼きを作っていますよ。こおりを食べるなら、気持ちがいいですよ。京都へ泳ぎに行ったとき、冬天気でした。本当に、富士山の中に納豆がありますよ。父はヒュージャクマンです。母は菊池凛子です。そうして、消しゴムでわありません。
一番大好き友達の名前は「ばか」けど、ばかでわありません。果物ですよ。その言葉の下にばかさんの写真を見てください。かっこい男の人ですね。

何ですか。だれですか。

じゃ、また！　返事を待ってください！;-P

Translation: Added April 4, 2010 at 18:36

Hello, everyone!

I am not a pencil.  I really love cheese.  My name is Harry Houdini.  Every day, I make okonomiyaki.  After I eat ice, I feel good.  When I went to Kyoto to go swimming, the weather outside was cold.  The inside of Mt. Fuji is filled with natto.  Honest.  My father is Hugh Jackman.  My mother is Rinko Kikuchi.  And, I am not an eraser.

My best friend's name is Baka, but he is not an idiot.  He is a fruit.  Please look at the photo of Baka below.  Isn't he a cool dude?

[caption] What is this?  Who am I?

See you!  I eagerly await your reply! ;-P

The Kenny G Moment

Since my mom just went to a Kenny G concert, and since Christmas is approaching, I thought now was a good time to write about a family tradition known as the "Kenny G Moment."

Kenny G is a famous soprano saxophone player who has sold millions of albums worldwide.  He's in the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest note ever held (see his Wikipedia article here, which includes mention of that feat), and he has really long hair.  He is also a great person to mock, since he plays smooth jazz, which is the jazz world's equivalent of soft rock.  Well, okay, it's better than soft rock, but only because nothing is worse than soft rock.  Except the Olson Twins.

The original Kenny G moment dates back to 1992 or 1993, when his album Breathless came out.  Apparently it left women breathless, as it is still the most popular instrumental album ever released, proving that artistic integrity has nothing to do with sales.  Nothing.  That Christmas, my dad bought my mom that CD, not knowing that she really wanted it.  So, when she opened the gift and saw that she was now the proud owner of a crappy instrumental album by a guy with hair longer than hers, she started crying.  Thus was born the Kenny G moment.

Every Christmas since then, my dad (and others in my family, including me) have tried to find a gift that will create that Kenny G moment.  We have succeeded with Josh Groban CDs, Paul McCartney concert tickets, and even Snoopy inside of a snow globe writing, "It was a dark and stormy night" (damn squirrel got in our house and broke the globe--true story!--and I have yet to find that object being sold for a REASONABLE PRICE--yeah, I'm talking to you, ebay scalpers!).  The defining element of a Kenny G moment, however, was the defining element of that first gift, which is that the reaction is unexpected.  So, in a sense, only the first Kenny G moment was a Kenny G moment, even though we never quite know what gift will make our mom cry.

Since that Christmas, other people have had Kenny G moments, as well.  My dad almost had one when I bought him the Ultimate Johnny Carson Collection on DVD.  I had one when my dad bought me a TV (completely unexpected--not even on my list).  But usually, the Kenny G moment is linked to my mom.  Now that she's seen Kenny G live, however, perhaps we shall have to retire the Kenny G moment, for isn't seeing Kenny G live (and from the second row--because no one goes to his concerts ;-)) the ultimate Kenny G moment?

So, dear readers, I hope many of you have Kenny G moments this holiday season.  Feel free to use the phrase, too, so long as you credit it to my dad, who created the phrase (or to this blog, which popularized it).  And since my mom will be reading this, too, I hope you have at least one Kenny G moment this Christmas, Mom!  As long as he doesn't come down the chimney, playing his soprano sax.  Because that would just be creepy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH/KWANZAA/FESTIVUS, EVERYONE, AND I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Holiday Reminder: Be Nice to Sales Associates

Just realized that I missed a very important rule for shoppers, so I've added it as rule #3, in italics.

For all of you folks shopping during this holiday season, remember:

Be nice to the sales associates.

Chances are that many of them were hired for the Christmas rush, after which they will be unemployed.  Some of them may be moved around from department to department, and so not know where items are located, or have any specialized knowledge of the items for sale.  Some may be covering areas due to shortages in staff.  Others may have been dropped in the thick of things with register training--and not much else.

So, here are a few rules to keep in mind:

1.)  Don't yell at the sales associates.  This only makes you look like an ass to the other customers, and angers the sales associate with whom you are dealing.  Plus, it doesn't solve anything.  If, on the other hand, you wait patiently in line and correct the associate's mistakes with a smile, you might just get that extra 20% off that was advertised in the paper, even if you forgot to bring the coupon.  After all, we sales associates react kindly to kindness.

2.) Remember, we are sales associates, not your personal valets.  It is not our job to cart your stuff around the store, or to look for items in other departments.  We will, however, direct you to those departments, and hold your items at the register.  Want someone to carry stuff for you?  Shop with a friend.

3.)  We are also not your maids or mothers.  If you're trying on clothes, put back any clothing that doesn't fit you, or hang it on a put-back rack.  We can serve you much better if we don't have to clean up after your sorry asses.  Do not leave it in the dressing room in a large pile, or even hung up in the dressing room.  You brought it into the dressing room; you can take it out of the dressing room.

4.) If you can help it, go during regular store hours (if they've been extended), or towards late morning/early afternoon (between 11 and 7, ideally).  The hardest hours to get coverage in a store are in the early morning (opening) and late evening (closing), so if you go during those hours, you might encounter a stressed sales associate covering two departments by himself/herself.  He/she will be especially stressed out if there are special sales going on that day.  Which leads me to:

5.) Notice the ratio of customers to sales associates.  If there are five customers to one associate, be prepared to wait for assistance, or even for the sales associate to tell you that he/she is busy at the moment.  If you're dealing with a good sales associate, they will help everyone in turn.  But, remember, many of them are only here for the holidays, and so really don't give a shit if you're pissed that he/she can't find the cashmere sweater that was advertised in this morning's newspaper.  Then again, if you're pleasant about it, they might give more of a shit and check the back room for you.

6.) Give yourself lots of time while shopping.  This will prevent unforseen delays and prevent ugly confrontations.  Remember, if you're going to a store on your lunch break to "grab something quick," chances are that so are many other people, and if the store is understaffed...

7.) Sales associates are human.  We make mistakes.  Sometimes they are to your benefit; sometimes not.  If you notice a mistake, help the sales associate out. Kindly point out the error.  If there's anything you can do to help rectify their error (like knowing what the price of an item should be, and not what it's ringing up as), do so.  And if a sales associate is making too many errors for your comfort, you can always have them call a manager.  Or, you can try coming back another time.  And yes, having to make an extra trip to the store is a hassle, which is why I do most of my Christmas shopping online.

8.) Make a plan.  Know exactly what you are going to buy and the general area where it's located.  If you don't know where it's located, do a dry run (it would be wise to do this before holiday shopping season begins).  If you have questions for a sales associate, do it in person.  We often can't give you as much time on the phone because we're busy helping other customers, and if we're not near the phone when it rings, or we're in the middle of a transaction, we're not going to pick up.  And if you're letting it ring for long periods of time, by the time one of us does answer the phone, we're not going to be too happy.  One exception: if you're only getting one item from a store, and you're not buying anything else nearby, you can call to see if it's in stock.  Best time to call? Late morning or early afternoon, but limit your questions to two or less, and make them short.  If you drone on and on, we might "accidentally" hang up on you.

Finally, a word of advice to sales associates about customers.  Many of them have had to deal with long lines, rude associates, even ruder shoppers, coupons that have so many exclusions as to be impossible to figure out, items rung up at incorrect prices, items put in the wrong place so that they cost more than the sign says they do, traffic, and (possibly) unruly children.  So, try to make their shopping experience as hassle free as possible.  Learn as much as you can about your area from experienced sales associates.  Make sure that items ring up correctly.  And treat each customer with the respect that he/she deserves.  Unless they start yelling at you.  Then you can tell them to go to hell.

Thanksgiving: The Most American of Holidays

Jean Lean Gerome Ferris (1863-1930), The First Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in America, when families get together to gorge themselves on too much turkey and stuffing, then fall asleep in front of a football game on TV.  But, just as Christmas is not about the presents (even for the Japanese--who are mostly not Christian.  For them, Christmas is about the decorations), Thanksgiving is not about the food (and I promise not to make this post sound like a Hallmark card--may they burn in hell.  The cards, not the company).

I sense I am getting off topic here, so let me begin again: Thanksgiving is not about the food.  Not really, though the food is the most prominent feature.  Only the bare outline of Thanksgiving is covered in elementary school, but it is enough of an outline for us to fill in the gaps.  That, and Wikipedia.

The Pilgrims, a persecuted group of settlers, had come to the New World with hopes of religious freedom without a loss of cultural identity (they had initially moved from England to the Netherlands, but left after fearing that their children were becoming too Dutch).  The first winter was a disaster that claimed almost half of the colonists' lives, mostly due to diseases that they had contracted while on the voyage there.

When they celebrated the first Thanksgiving the following year, it was a religious celebration thanking God for surviving that first winter, and it was celebrated with members of the Wampanoag tribe, including their leader, Massasoit, and Squanto, who had taught them how to plant corn and catch eels (Wikipedia  "Thanksgiving").  And while they partook in a huge feast, like Americans do today, the feast lasted for three days, not just one.  Unfortunately, Americans can't stop working for that long.  Plus, they need the day after Thanksgiving to start buying presents for Christmas (or rather, the day after Thanksgiving retailers need Americans to start buying presents for Christmas), so we only celebrate Thanksgiving for one day (though the meal lasts forever in leftovers), and while grace is often said before eating the meal, much of the religious nature of the holiday has been lost in the intervening years.

What I find interesting about Thanksgiving is how unique it is to America.  All other holidays and traditions can be traced back to Europe, and even though Independence Day is also a uniquely American holiday, independence is celebrated by other countries who threw off tyranny (Cinqo de Mayo, Bastille Day).  But only Americans celebrate Thanksgiving.  Only we set aside a day to gather with family and friends to remember what we have.  The irony is that it comes before Christmas, where we think about out wants again.  Maybe that is on purpose.  Thanksgiving celebrates all that we are thankful for in life, among people whom we are thankful for. Perhaps we need that reminder before thinking about our wants once more.  Maybe we'd discover that our wants aren't as important as our need for the people around us.

I'd like to end this post with some of the things that I am thankful for.  This part will come the closest to sounding like a Hallmark card:

1.) I am thankful that I am alive and have been allowed to have all of the experiences that I've had.  Even the bad experiences taught me something.
2.) I am thankful that my brother's friends just so happened to move to Seattle, and I just so happened to become interested in moving there right before they just so happened to buy a house, and they just so happened to allow me to stay with them while I looked for a job and a place of my own.  Without any of these just so happened's, I'm still a frustrated writer living in my parents' house in Connecticut.
4.) I am thankful that one of these friends is a really good cook.  Not that my mom's a bad cook, but of the people making food for Thanksgiving, two are chefs in restaurants, and the other one (my brother's friend, whom he met through his girlfriend, who is friends with her) is really good.
5.) I am thankful for the Internet, which allows me to contact my family and friends cheaply and with more regularity than I could with even my cell phone.
6.) I am thankful that, for the moment, I have a home.  Many people don't.
7.) I'm thankful that I have a job, even though it's seasonal, and in retail.  And involves clothes.  Again, many people don't.
8.) I'm glad that my parents didn't say "no" to some of my more hair-brained schemes, like living and working in Japan.  Or becoming a professional writer.
9.) I'm glad we Americans have a President who uses correct English when he speaks.  Poor language skills shows laziness or stupidity--or both--and no one wants a leader who sounds lazy or stupid.
10.) And finally, while I won't be spending Thanksgiving (or Christmas) this year with my family, I am thankful that they are only a phone call away...and the time difference is three hours, not fourteen.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE! 

(even if you don't celebrate it)