Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Things I Don't Understand

Today was a crappy day, a demoralizing day, for me, so I thought I'd cheer myself up by doing the one thing that never fails me: writing.  In this case, it's on my blog, but any writing will do to lift the spirits.

So now, things I don't understand:

-The first Rambo movie was called First Blood.  The second Rambo movie was called Rambo: First Blood, Part II.  So why the hell is the next movie called Rambo III?  And then they made a Rambo IV!  Shouldn't the third movie have been called First Blood: Part III, and the fourth movie First Blood: Part IV?  Because, technically, Rambo III is actually Rambo II: First Blood Part III, and Rambo IV is Rambo III.  So if you want to see Rambo III, you really should say you want to watch Rambo II, which wouldn't be the second movie, because that was the first Rambo movie, whereas the first Rambo movie was First Blood.  Got it?

-You have Rocky I-V, but the last movie is called Rocky Balboa.  Why not just call it Rocky VI: We Promise It's Better Than Rocky V?

-In the first Friday the 13th movie, Jason Voorhees's mother is the villain.  In the rest of the series (minus an imposter in one of the films), the villain is a grown-up Jason Voorhees.  My question: how could a kid age after he died?  Second question: what the fuck is up with the aliens and the family curse in Jason Goes to Hell (in order to spare myself the horror of bad movie making, I had my brother tell me the plot)?  Third question: if it was the Final Friday, why were there sequels?  Final question: Why were there any sequels?

-Why were there any sequels to the vastly superior Halloween?  The ending was perfect.  Leave it alone!

-Why aren't titles that include the word "final," when referring to movies or video games, actually final?  Examples: Final Fantasy, Final Fight, Freddy Dies: The Final Nightmare (glad they made New Nightmare afterwards, though still not as good as the original), Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, all the Final Destination movies (well, okay, that one makes sense).

-Why did Rob Zombie remake Halloween?  What was wrong with the original?

-Why aren't temp agencies temporary?

-Supposedly there are websites that can match me with my "perfect mate," so why can't websites match me with my "perfect job?"  I mean, I know there are job search websites out there, but all of their job suggestions--based on my skills--are shit.

-Why did we still have a stock exchange after the 1929 crash?  Why do we still have it?  Wouldn't a little less greed in the world be a good thing?

-Why can't I be paid by the hour to write my novel?  People are paid at work to Facebook each other.

-If Roland Emmerich can continue to make shitty films that gross millions of dollars, how come magazines won't pay millions for my shitty stories?  Okay, but seriously, the fact that Roland Emmerich is still allowed to make shitty movies BECAUSE they make millions of dollars should be deeply disturbing to all of us, especially to those people who buy tickets to his movies.  Go see Ingmar Bergman, folks!  Or Steven Spielberg.  Hell, rent some Hitchcock, or (if you want the anti-Roland Emmerich) watch some Yasujiro Ozu.


  1. If you had said "if" instead of "why" one could have quoted Kipling:

    IF you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
    And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
    If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;
    If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;....

    from If by Rudyard Kipling

  2. Not that one needs a reason to quote Kipling. :-)

  3. Hahahaha Literary Dreamer..your post literally made me laugh out loud. Your words are so true. The Rambo title thing always puzzled me. Also, Rocky Balboa was ten times better than the 5th movie so your title works fine hehe. I can't believe he announced a 7th Rocky movie...I mean really? (search for it he actually announced it at a recent press conference.

    The "final" movies only use that word to have the viewers say "Oh, well it's the final chapter I gotta go see how it all ends." When we really have to say "Who the fuck is he to say what is final I mean what if another director wants to ressurect the story...either way lets hope it is FINAL because they keep getting worse.

    When it comes to job hunting, writers have the shittiest time. They never give any of us what we deserve. I suggest starting by publishing a book that would have a wide appeal, and once your name is out there, you'll have complete freedom to write whatever you want and people would buy based on your name. Remember you have to get recognized first so go with a great title. After that it's your name that'll do the rest for you. :)

    Roland Emmerich does write crappy screenplays. In fact I'd say he wrote one crappy screenplay ten years ago and all he did was changed the content a bit. It's like he keeps remaking his own movies. I mean come one, do we need another disaster movie with a cheesy presidential speech, a countdown to the "hit", and a shitty ending?

  4. I don't know if you get Robot Chicken where you are (it's a TV show that uses stop-motion animation), but they did a great spoof of Roland Emmerich in one of their episodes. In that episode, he decides to make a sequel to Godzilla that is even worse than his original remake (think ice skating baby Godzillas).

  5. Haha I got to get my hands on that episode. We get The Simpsons, Family Guy, and American Dad but I didn't know about Robot Chicken...wasn''t there a movie a few years back though?

  6. Don't think there was a movie, but there was a special Star Wars version that came out in stores a while back. Well worth checking out for its take on pop culture. The Emmerich episode is in Season 1, though I think Season 2 is the same episodes uncensored (and you can get them together for as much as one season would cost).


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